The Elusive Feeling of Being Understood
posted 20th February 2025
The Universal Longing to Be Understood
If we are all honest with ourselves, I think most of us would admit to deeply craving meaningful connections and having an innate desire to be seen, heard and deeply understood. Right from our beginnings, our relationships are shaped by our own attempts to express ourselves, so that others are able to have genuine comprehension.
How this plays out for each of us is very personal and tied up with our own interpretations of what these words actually mean. Not only can these interpretations and ability to relay these, be misunderstood, but actually a lot of the time when we talk about feelings, words just don’t cut it.
Feeling understood can be the trickiest emotional state, not just to feel, but validate and explain, yet it is the one I hear that most, that that clients want to feel….. but can we really ever truly be understood?
We rarely, if ever, ask ourselves what would it actually feel like to be understood, how would you actually know when this happens and what difference would it make to you?
We often believe we understand people and may say things like ‘yeah, I totally get that’, but do we? If we think about reading an autobiography; an author’s perspective of their life, with many authors stating that they have poured their heart and soul into it, does this help us to understand the author? Yes, it definitely does, but does it mean we truly understand how it feels for them? Probably not, because it doesn't matter how much detail they share of their lived experiences, we would only completely and totally understand if we lived their exact life, basically if we were another them.… and this is impossible, right? So, can we ever truly understand or be understood?
The Complexity of Human Experience
Delving into this a bit deeper…. we must first acknowledge the complexity of human experience. Each of us navigates life through the lens of our own thoughts, emotions, past experiences, and perceptions. Even when we use language to communicate, our words are filtered through individual interpretations. The same phrase can evoke vastly different meanings depending on who is listening, what they have been through, and what emotional state they are in at that precise moment in time.
Neuroscience supports this idea and shows us that our brains rely on past experiences to make sense of the present. This means that when we listen to someone, we are not only hearing their words but also unconsciously mapping their message onto our own history. This can, naturally lead to distortions in understanding, where we assume we get another’s perspective when, in reality, we may only be projecting our own.
Barriers to Being Fully Understood
Several factors contribute to the difficulty of achieving true understanding in relationships:
• Subjectivity of Experience – No two people experience life in exactly the same way. Even when we go through similar events, our emotional responses and interpretations can be entirely different and this is due to our own individual experiences.
• The Limitations of Language – Words can only approximate our internal experiences. Feelings, especially deep and complex ones, often defy precise articulation. What one person describes as loneliness, another might interpret as boredom or sadness.
• Emotional Filters – Our current emotional state influences how we interpret what others say. A person who feels anxious may perceive neutral comments as criticism, while someone feeling confident may hear the same words as supportive feedback.
• Unspoken Assumptions – We all carry subconscious assumptions about how others think and feel. These assumptions can lead to misinterpretations, particularly in intimate relationships where we expect our loved ones to ‘just know’ what we mean. This can lead to troubled relationships, that produces multi-layers of assumptions and can mean we are rarely being our authentic selves, nor talking to authentic others.
• Social and Cultural Differences – Our upbringing, cultural background, and social conditioning shape our communication styles. What is considered direct and honest in one culture may be seen as rude or abrupt in another.
The Paradox of Seeking Understanding
While we long to be understood, we also protect parts of ourselves from full exposure. Vulnerability is required for any degree of understanding, yet it can feel risky, so we very often don’t go there. Many of us hold back out of fear of rejection, judgment, or being misunderstood. In doing so, we create a paradox: we want others to know us deeply, but we hesitate to reveal ourselves completely.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy sheds light on this paradox by recognising that we all have different parts (often called our egos) within us, some that long for connection (our exiles) and others that try to protect us from potential harm (our managers and firefighters). When we interact with others, these parts can interfere with open communication, even though they are trying to help us. A protective manager might keep us from sharing our true thoughts, while another person’s protective parts might prevent them from truly listening.
Can We Be Understood Enough?
Given these barriers, does this mean true understanding is impossible? Yes, true, unequivocal understanding is impossible, however, while we may never be fully understood in a perfect or absolute sense, we can be understood enough. This means experiencing moments where we feel deeply seen, where our emotions are met with empathy, and where someone acknowledges our perspective without judgment.
Cultivating Deeper Understanding in Relationships
If we accept that complete understanding is elusive, how can we foster more meaningful connections? Here are some ways to enhance understanding in our relationships:
1. Practice Active Listening – True understanding begins with listening—not just to respond, but to genuinely hear the other person’s experience. This means setting aside assumptions, maintaining eye contact, and reflecting back what we hear.
2. Embrace Curiosity Over Certainty – Instead of assuming we know what someone means, we can ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What does that mean to you?”
3. Develop Self-Awareness – The more we understand our own emotions, triggers, and protective mechanisms, the more we can communicate with clarity and authenticity.
4. Create Safe Spaces for Vulnerability – Understanding flourishes in environments where people feel safe to express their true selves without fear of judgment.
5. Accept Imperfect Understanding – Rather than seeking flawless comprehension, we can appreciate the moments where we feel seen and offer others the same grace when they struggle to understand us.
The Beauty in Being Misunderstood
There is also a quiet beauty in being misunderstood. It reminds us that we are unique, complex beings with inner worlds that no one else can fully access. Instead of resisting misunderstanding, we can learn to accept it as part of the human experience and just as we struggle to fully understand others, they struggle to fully understand us. This realisation can foster compassion and patience in our relationships.
Final Thoughts
While we may never be completely understood, we can still experience deep connection and meaningful comprehension in our relationships. Rather than seeking perfect understanding, we can aim for enough understanding, moments where we feel heard, validated, and accepted.
And anyway, is there any benefit to being completely understood, how would that change your world? You would still have to live daily life in exactly the same way and in fact, it may feel kind of creepy, and intrusive, to know that someone understands you exactly the same way you understand yourself. So, with that in mind, does feeling like you are understood to some degree, some of the time, start to feel more acceptable and just perhaps…. enough?
